16 January 2006

 

NEWS: Your Pandemic Flu Checklist

Dateline: A triage station hastily erected in a school parking lot

When the 'yard bird special' comes and takes us all out, we must be prepared, people. We must have our angles covered and our bases aligned. Because when the 'chickenhawk express' rolls into town and there is like 8 people left standing, we must make sure our dots and crosses are alphebetized and cross referenced. This will help any civil government that may or may not be in existence post pandemic and pre pandemonium.

So from now until the end of flu season everybody should carry their own plaque that can be easily glued to a grave marker. Your name, date of birth and a word or two that best summarizes you will be sufficient.

Everybody should also get two industrial sized tanks topped off with O2 and a full face mask. It is recommended that at least one day you accustom yourself to the tank and mask and moving around so encumbered. Pick a typical work day and carry and wear your oxygen. This will familiarize you to a typical day during a raging pandemic.

Horde bacon. For reasons we cannot go into bacon will cost like ten times the pre pandemic price. If you can even find it and it will not be easy. Purchase a coffin style freezer for the basement and load up on about ten kilograms bacon per household member.

Clear your hard drive of 'you know what.' That disgusting bunch of megabytes you have stored under the title "dentist list" moldering deep inside your computer's dark crevice? Somebody will find it after your dead. Get rid of it now.

Innoculate yourself naturally. The best way to innoculate yourself is to get nonlethal but similar strains that often act as precursors to the variety that wipes everybody out. One need only expose themselves to 'virally fecund' environments. The #66 bus for example. The children's section at Borders. Additionally, your local ghetto grocery store will typically be teeming with a plethora of fervid strains.

With these measures taken we can breathe a little easier. Hopefully we will make it in the post pandemic apocalpytic world where rats and cats mate and we must fight our way of of a steel dome deep within the earth.

Gesundheit!

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