04 March 2006
LOVE: Dance Floor Politics
Dateline: Deep In The Groove Under The Light Fantastic
The dance floor is where much love can be captured. It is also where much love can be lost. Obviously the quality of your dancing is paramount. Do not get on the floor without at least a couple basic moves in the holster. There is no excuse for bad dancing. Even those of us with the proverbial "two gangrenous feet" can at the least put a couple moves together in front of mirror before we get on the floor.
So you arrive with your move or two, ready to bust out on some nice looking thing sweating over there by the DJ. But hold on. Not every piece of meat is there for the feasting. The dance floor is like a speed dating predator pit in motion. You need, besides a couple moves, supreme confidence and a discerning eye. Because what looks like a ship with a free boarding policy can turn out to be a fast trip to Davy Jones' locker. And conversely what looks like an untouchable whirling dervish can turn out to be a soft fuzzy creature ready to cuddle up on a slow dance.
Of course experience is the best teacher, but there are a few clues to sniff out when you wade through that ferocious dog pound of love known as the dance floor. First, the freaks up front by the speakers are best left alone. They are too energetic and by the time they are ready for love you will have cramps in just about every glute and calf.
Bunches of single sex clusters frequently glancing are usually a green light. It is best not to approach directly but sidle nearby and bust off that MC Hammer move you reserve for potential love interests. Then, when the DJ segues into something that elicits yelps and cries, insert yourself into the situation and see if you can shake a loose a tasty morsel from the bunch.
Just because somebody is coupled off is not necessarily a red light. Watch for wandering eyes and listless moves, telltale signs these are but friends showing off their respective wares in a safe duo.
Avoid of course those who bust out stripper moves or somebody always looking over their shoulder (at mates they are hoping to not be seen by.) Avoid also the DJ, unless you are looking for something fast and furious in the van wedged between electronic equipment. And finally, avoid that cute young thing running to and fro between every song. Chances are s/he is here with a legal guardian.
Do shake your tail feather near people with good dance moves. You know what they say about good dancers, their dexterous moves translate to a variety of social intercourse. And definitely look for those who cannot help but break out a big smile as they dip and sway to something old school. Because as has been proven time and time again, happy dancers make better gropers later in the alley after everybody has been thrown off the dance floor.
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The dance floor is where much love can be captured. It is also where much love can be lost. Obviously the quality of your dancing is paramount. Do not get on the floor without at least a couple basic moves in the holster. There is no excuse for bad dancing. Even those of us with the proverbial "two gangrenous feet" can at the least put a couple moves together in front of mirror before we get on the floor.
So you arrive with your move or two, ready to bust out on some nice looking thing sweating over there by the DJ. But hold on. Not every piece of meat is there for the feasting. The dance floor is like a speed dating predator pit in motion. You need, besides a couple moves, supreme confidence and a discerning eye. Because what looks like a ship with a free boarding policy can turn out to be a fast trip to Davy Jones' locker. And conversely what looks like an untouchable whirling dervish can turn out to be a soft fuzzy creature ready to cuddle up on a slow dance.
Of course experience is the best teacher, but there are a few clues to sniff out when you wade through that ferocious dog pound of love known as the dance floor. First, the freaks up front by the speakers are best left alone. They are too energetic and by the time they are ready for love you will have cramps in just about every glute and calf.
Bunches of single sex clusters frequently glancing are usually a green light. It is best not to approach directly but sidle nearby and bust off that MC Hammer move you reserve for potential love interests. Then, when the DJ segues into something that elicits yelps and cries, insert yourself into the situation and see if you can shake a loose a tasty morsel from the bunch.
Just because somebody is coupled off is not necessarily a red light. Watch for wandering eyes and listless moves, telltale signs these are but friends showing off their respective wares in a safe duo.
Avoid of course those who bust out stripper moves or somebody always looking over their shoulder (at mates they are hoping to not be seen by.) Avoid also the DJ, unless you are looking for something fast and furious in the van wedged between electronic equipment. And finally, avoid that cute young thing running to and fro between every song. Chances are s/he is here with a legal guardian.
Do shake your tail feather near people with good dance moves. You know what they say about good dancers, their dexterous moves translate to a variety of social intercourse. And definitely look for those who cannot help but break out a big smile as they dip and sway to something old school. Because as has been proven time and time again, happy dancers make better gropers later in the alley after everybody has been thrown off the dance floor.
###
03 March 2006
ART: 50 Cent, Queen Mash But Do Not Mate
Dateline: In Da Club
You think to yourself, I love me some 50 Cent, and I do not mind me a bit of Queen now and again, so when you learn that some wag has mashed the two together, you might start thinking music magic has been made.
Alas, this mash is mere mush. The disc takes 50's raps from his "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" album and lays them over classic Queen songs. One wants to like it. After all 50 discharges automatic firing raps and Queen sang some of the best pop songs ever, but it is never more than a muddle. One always feels like trying to listen to two songs at once.
One gets pulled by 50 rapping, "There's no bidness like ho bidness." But then Queen keeps clamoring for attention with some song one made out to in junior high school.
As appealing as the concept of mashups are, it is not a concept that arrives frequently at mellifluous. And let's face it, when 50 sings, "What makes you think I won't run up on you with my nine," you want a driving beat underneath. You do not need the melodramatic bombast of a Queen synthesizer solo.
You should probably hold out for the Carpenters/Dead Kennedys mashup. If any paring can lift the mash out of the muck, these two can.
###
You think to yourself, I love me some 50 Cent, and I do not mind me a bit of Queen now and again, so when you learn that some wag has mashed the two together, you might start thinking music magic has been made.
Alas, this mash is mere mush. The disc takes 50's raps from his "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" album and lays them over classic Queen songs. One wants to like it. After all 50 discharges automatic firing raps and Queen sang some of the best pop songs ever, but it is never more than a muddle. One always feels like trying to listen to two songs at once.
One gets pulled by 50 rapping, "There's no bidness like ho bidness." But then Queen keeps clamoring for attention with some song one made out to in junior high school.
As appealing as the concept of mashups are, it is not a concept that arrives frequently at mellifluous. And let's face it, when 50 sings, "What makes you think I won't run up on you with my nine," you want a driving beat underneath. You do not need the melodramatic bombast of a Queen synthesizer solo.
You should probably hold out for the Carpenters/Dead Kennedys mashup. If any paring can lift the mash out of the muck, these two can.
###
02 March 2006
ART: Spanish TV For Beginners
Dateline: Way Up There On The UHF Dial
You do not need to know any Spanish to love Spanish TV. The good folks at Univision, Azteca, Telemundo, et al., know that good TV is not bound by mere words alone. Violence, brick house bodies and pastel colors under a bright sun are what gives Spanish TV its enchanting qualities.
The following shows will help the "neophytitas" work their way into becoming masters of the Spanish station:
1) Sabado Gigante
Don Francisco hosts el grand papita of variety shows. It goes on for hours, in fact nobody really knows how long it goes on. The models are outrageous, the audience frequently breaks out into song and every 5 minutes a spokesperson and model recite old fashioned commercials. At some point in each show a man in a gorilla suit snatches away an amateur dance couple into a smoking black hole. Why? Don't ask why, just sit back and let Don Francisco take care your Saturday night.
2) Caliente
Imagine if you will a dance show where Latina delictitas in thongs shake freaktastically under a tropical sun. Imagine no more, for such a place exists every Saturday afternoon. The most compelling dance show on TV, Calliente gives us an aural and visual feast. And not only are the dancers incredible (use the Spanish pronunciation) every show features a "chicas calliente" who frolics about in variously scandalous bikinis. Add in a couple videos of furiously fast Latin pop and your Saturday afternoons will forever be booked.
3) Guerros De Los Sexos
In this version of battle of the sexes, the audience is split in half, boys on one side, girls on the other. Each a week a new group of hot telenovella stars arrives to wage the eternal war for gender supremacy via silly games. It is the big butted verses the chiseled chested. There is one game where an actress sits on a chair with a balloon in her lap. Actors run up and sit as hard as they can on her and try to break the balloon. Pure TV brilliance, and it is even funnier when the guys have to sit down and take those ferocious latina butts in the lap, hard.
4) Al Rojo Vivo/Primer Impacto
These two video news shows come on at the same time every weekday afternoon, so it is advised you switch back and forth between the two. Did you ever want to see a wild boy chained to a tree in his backyard? Or a goiter the size of a small car? Or an actual knife fight that degenerates into an all out melee with automatic weapons? Flip between these two shows and get yourself informed.
5) The Chucky Movies
For strange cultural reasons there is always a Chucky movie on Spanish TV. Apparently watching a cute doll come back to life to slaughter people wholesale is something Spanish TV believes we should watch frequently. You would not think so, but there is something oddly comforting about coming home late and watching a Spanish dubbed doll attempt to disembowel a little boy.
###
You do not need to know any Spanish to love Spanish TV. The good folks at Univision, Azteca, Telemundo, et al., know that good TV is not bound by mere words alone. Violence, brick house bodies and pastel colors under a bright sun are what gives Spanish TV its enchanting qualities.
The following shows will help the "neophytitas" work their way into becoming masters of the Spanish station:
1) Sabado Gigante
Don Francisco hosts el grand papita of variety shows. It goes on for hours, in fact nobody really knows how long it goes on. The models are outrageous, the audience frequently breaks out into song and every 5 minutes a spokesperson and model recite old fashioned commercials. At some point in each show a man in a gorilla suit snatches away an amateur dance couple into a smoking black hole. Why? Don't ask why, just sit back and let Don Francisco take care your Saturday night.
2) Caliente
Imagine if you will a dance show where Latina delictitas in thongs shake freaktastically under a tropical sun. Imagine no more, for such a place exists every Saturday afternoon. The most compelling dance show on TV, Calliente gives us an aural and visual feast. And not only are the dancers incredible (use the Spanish pronunciation) every show features a "chicas calliente" who frolics about in variously scandalous bikinis. Add in a couple videos of furiously fast Latin pop and your Saturday afternoons will forever be booked.
3) Guerros De Los Sexos
In this version of battle of the sexes, the audience is split in half, boys on one side, girls on the other. Each a week a new group of hot telenovella stars arrives to wage the eternal war for gender supremacy via silly games. It is the big butted verses the chiseled chested. There is one game where an actress sits on a chair with a balloon in her lap. Actors run up and sit as hard as they can on her and try to break the balloon. Pure TV brilliance, and it is even funnier when the guys have to sit down and take those ferocious latina butts in the lap, hard.
4) Al Rojo Vivo/Primer Impacto
These two video news shows come on at the same time every weekday afternoon, so it is advised you switch back and forth between the two. Did you ever want to see a wild boy chained to a tree in his backyard? Or a goiter the size of a small car? Or an actual knife fight that degenerates into an all out melee with automatic weapons? Flip between these two shows and get yourself informed.
5) The Chucky Movies
For strange cultural reasons there is always a Chucky movie on Spanish TV. Apparently watching a cute doll come back to life to slaughter people wholesale is something Spanish TV believes we should watch frequently. You would not think so, but there is something oddly comforting about coming home late and watching a Spanish dubbed doll attempt to disembowel a little boy.
###
27 February 2006
NEWS: New Words for The Modern Condition
Dateline: Super Secret Word Lab
New Word: Antisane
Type: Noun, Adjective
Definition: Antisane is to be distinguished from insane. Insane is the process of losing one's sanity. Sanity, the condition of being sane, is a term defining an accepted standard of health. Insane people are considered to have fallen below this standard.
Those who can be labeled antisane critically never had any sanity to lose. In fact they stand in direct opposition to sanity. Hence, anti (against) sane (health).
The antisane are firmly committed to irrationality. They are constrained by neither fact nor reality. So infused are they by illusion that they typically manifest contentment and lead efficacious lives.
As might be expected, the antisane are either our best friends or worst enemies.
###
New Word: Antisane
Type: Noun, Adjective
Definition: Antisane is to be distinguished from insane. Insane is the process of losing one's sanity. Sanity, the condition of being sane, is a term defining an accepted standard of health. Insane people are considered to have fallen below this standard.
Those who can be labeled antisane critically never had any sanity to lose. In fact they stand in direct opposition to sanity. Hence, anti (against) sane (health).
The antisane are firmly committed to irrationality. They are constrained by neither fact nor reality. So infused are they by illusion that they typically manifest contentment and lead efficacious lives.
As might be expected, the antisane are either our best friends or worst enemies.
###
