RSS SPIRIT

Dateline: Way Up There On The UHF Dial

You do not need to know any Spanish to love Spanish TV. The good folks at Univision, Azteca, Telemundo, et al., know that good TV is not bound by mere words alone. Violence, brick house bodies and pastel colors under a bright sun are what gives Spanish TV its enchanting qualities.

The following shows will help the "neophytitas" work their way into becoming masters of the Spanish station:

1) Sabado Gigante
Don Francisco hosts el grand papita of variety shows. It goes on for hours, in fact nobody really knows how long it goes on. The models are outrageous, the audience frequently breaks out into song and every 5 minutes a spokesperson and model recite old fashioned commercials. At some point in each show a man in a gorilla suit snatches away an amateur dance couple into a smoking black hole. Why? Don't ask why, just sit back and let Don Francisco take care your Saturday night.

2) Caliente
Imagine if you will a dance show where Latina delictitas in thongs shake freaktastically under a tropical sun. Imagine no more, for such a place exists every Saturday afternoon. The most compelling dance show on TV, Calliente gives us an aural and visual feast. And not only are the dancers incredible (use the Spanish pronunciation) every show features a "chicas calliente" who frolics about in variously scandalous bikinis. Add in a couple videos of furiously fast Latin pop and your Saturday afternoons will forever be booked.

3) Guerros De Los Sexos
In this version of battle of the sexes, the audience is split in half, boys on one side, girls on the other. Each a week a new group of hot telenovella stars arrives to wage the eternal war for gender supremacy via silly games. It is the big butted verses the chiseled chested. There is one game where an actress sits on a chair with a balloon in her lap. Actors run up and sit as hard as they can on her and try to break the balloon. Pure TV brilliance, and it is even funnier when the guys have to sit down and take those ferocious latina butts in the lap, hard.

4) Al Rojo Vivo/Primer Impacto
These two video news shows come on at the same time every weekday afternoon, so it is advised you switch back and forth between the two. Did you ever want to see a wild boy chained to a tree in his backyard? Or a goiter the size of a small car? Or an actual knife fight that degenerates into an all out melee with automatic weapons? Flip between these two shows and get yourself informed.

5) The Chucky Movies
For strange cultural reasons there is always a Chucky movie on Spanish TV. Apparently watching a cute doll come back to life to slaughter people wholesale is something Spanish TV believes we should watch frequently. You would not think so, but there is something oddly comforting about coming home late and watching a Spanish dubbed doll attempt to disembowel a little boy.

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