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Tulips we all know should be banned for their power to conjure unclean thoughts. They are the most riotous, outrageous, subversive flower known to man. Orchids, roses and lilies can lick a tulip's butt (look it up, tulips have butts.) Tulips transform light in ways that the mortal mind's eye dare not imagine.

But the best tulip of spring? How do we ever make a decision? They are all so beautiful. They so effortlessly and expertly seduce fat furry bees into making sweet honey with them. They are mostly female but they have a little male in them too – the way they point appendages toward a warm place and let energy flow.

With much hand wringing we have narrowed it down to the top five. Please vote below in the comments. Purely by description alone, how these tulips conjure my effusive praises to eloquence, decided by you fair reader, will choose it.

• Electric Red Whore – Glowing a purity of red rarely seen in nature. Inside her symmetrical cup, black and yellow are splashed perfectly to accent frisky pollen-drenched love bits. If any tulip can make the eye see in infrared it is this one.

• Wicked China Doll – A white and pink accented beauty. Her pink is as clean and rich as a valentine written on porcelain. Her unfurled mask of petals reveal long dangling pudenda that have been known to drive local bees mad with desire.

• Pungent Orange Sherbet – A sugar confection that swirls red, yellow and their sweet 'n wild baby, orange. One wants to nibble the spiral petals that frame a black diamond landing pad for a wet meal inside its art deco bulb.

• Asian Dragon Lady – White petals like feathers, serrated edges on each petal capture a wicked red stroke. A flurry on her face, yet inside a composure and stillness. An opportunity for love and the secret of life she gives away to the bee who can tame her.

• Velvet Nubian Madonna – In command of the light this dark lady never fails to have rival hives fighting for her sweetmeats. An elemental contrast against the sun, she inhales it with near perfect efficiency. What her bursting reveals is a subtle contrasting shade in which one may suckle on enchanted ancient nectar.

Please vote in comments below, anonymous voters welcome.


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